I can’t believe this is last edition of I must confess over at Kirsty’s. It’s been five years since she started this link up and she’s done an amazing job! While I haven’t linked up every week, it’s been really fun when I have.
For the final edition, I must confess I am very, very scared.
As I mentioned last week, I am moving up the coast shortly. I’ll be leaving all that is familiar behind. Sydney has been home since 2005 with the Shire being home since 2009. Since handing my resignation, I have been on the look out for places to live and have also had a property manager come and check out my place so I can rent it out. Knowing that I now have less than a month before I start my new job, I am nervous about so many things.
What if I don’t find a place in time? What if I don’t move before the job starts? What if I can’t find a good tenant for my unit? What if I blow out my finances because of the move? What if the cats can’t handle the move? What if I lose the connections I already have? What if I am all alone?
And the biggest of all: What if this move isn’t what I hope it will be?
When I was 21, I came to Australia — I didn’t know anyone and I left behind everything and everyone I knew. Friends, family, a home I’d been in since I was 9 years old, a familiar neighbourhood. But back then, I wasn’t scared at all. I was excited. Well okay, I was a bit anxious when the plane took off but that was it. For a little while. There were lots of ups and downs but back then, Australia had been my dream and I was damn well going to make it come true.
I’m trying to figure out what it is that’s got me so anxious this time around. Perhaps it’s because I’d never planned on the Central Coast. Perhaps it’s because I took the decision to apply for a job there after being badly let down again. Perhaps it’s because I’m suddenly finding I’m connecting with one or two people recently right here in the Shire. Or perhaps it’s just that I’ve been way too comfortable for the past few years that my brain is going into meltdown at such big changes.
Because let’s face it: changing a job is one thing. I’ve done that a few times and while the nerves are there, it’s fairly okay. But moving house to a whole new locality, changing a job and leaving all your friends all together is fricking massive!
I’ve had terrible sleep the last couple of nights and I think the fear is the reason behind it. Even though it’s not explicitly there, it exists at a subconscious level. It’s times like these I realise I should really practice mindfulness — these are worries that are quite normal and ones I can’t really control. But getting hooked on to the thoughts makes me procrastinate and do nothing.
I know I will move. I know I’ll do it in spite of the ‘what ifs’ swimming in my head.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could see the future. Even just a sneak peek to reassure me that I’ll be okay.
How do you manage the ‘what ifs’?
Until next time,