Healthy Living

A letter to my body #FridayReflections

Dear 32 year old body of mine,

When you were little, a mere baby, you were cute. Brown skin with a shock of black hair, a round face with eyes hidden, I didn’t know you well enough to have a view on you back then. I accepted you for what you were — a contraption to eat, sleep and poo. It was bliss.

As a toddler, dear body, you had rolls of fat. Chubby cheeks, plump arms and legs and a round stomach. Of course, you were even cuter as you waddled your way through toddlerhood. As a child, some of the fat rolled away thanks to an active lifestyle of swimming, soccer, and riding a bike. The chubby cheeks remained as if you just couldn’t let go. I still accepted you, though, maybe because I still didn’t think too much. You were just there to help me do all the things I loved.

Baby me 01

Some time around 12 or 13, things began to change. I remember refusing to go swimming because I didn’t want to show you to the world. I began wearing loose t-shirts that came to my knees and baggy jeans or long skirts when I wasn’t at school. I noticed how my thighs would rub against each other and I stopped wearing shorts. As school got harder, my activity levels dropped. Following my Year 10 school certificate, I spent my summer holidays feeding you with chips, sweets and other oily junk as I watched cricket. Sure, I played a bit of cricket myself but not enough to make you slimmer.

As time went on, you grew wider — especially around the bum, thighs and hips. I began to dislike looking at you and continued to hide you with baggy t-shirts and jeans. Until finally, some friends knocked some sense into me to wear nice clothes to flatter you. I wasn’t in love with you but I managed to feel ok. Finally, after completing my undergrad and knowing I had months of free time ahead of me, I decided to work on you. I hit the gym hard and started putting healthy food into you. I went from being 60 kilos to about 48 kilos over the next 9 months. I fell in love with you. I started to notice muscles on my arms and although my bum, thighs and hips still had curves, I learned I could accept you that way. You were healthy, you were toned. You were getting better.

But then, I made the big move to Australia at 21 and while I maintained you reasonably for three years of uni, I wasn’t exercising as much. You put on weight steadily in the worst areas as always. Me being a bit depressed after completing my masters didn’t help you as I stuffed you with the unhealthiest foods ever. Once again, I got back up to 60 kilos. I lost a little bit of weight in 2009 and then, in 2010 when mum had her bypass surgery, I decided it was high time I treat you with love.

I signed up to a gym and managed to lose about two kilos but I was still very unhappy with you. Somehow, even though I was exercising, I kept feeding you the wrong things. It took a relationship break up and poor physical health in 2012 to kickstart a big change in just me. Part of the change was to see you get better but also see my personality change. With 12WBT at the time, I managed to lose 6 kilos in the 12 weeks and I started to notice how much better you looked.

I actually liked seeing you in the mirror. You kept me motivated and I continued to nourish you with good food in 2013 and loved looking at you. I was happy. You were healthy, you were toned, you gave me confidence.

my body 01

Sadly though, dear body, I have reverted to my bad habits in 2015 and seen the change in you. You’ve become bigger with lumps and bumps and I must say, I hate looking at you. Even though I exercise, I guess what I feed you does you more harm than the good exercise can do. And I hate that. Call me vain but I want you to go back to the flat stomach with somewhat defined abs. I want to go back to smaller thighs and hips. I want to go back to a slimmer face which now looks rounder and saggier in some parts.

I am deeply unhappy with you, dear body. While I am not overweight, I have seen you at your best and it saddens me to see you deteriorate. Everywhere I look, I read about body positivity. But you know what? I can’t seem to feel positive about you. It’s a damn shame because here I am counselling others about eating disorders and body image issues. Deep down, I have similar issues about you, body. The older I get, the harder it is for you to shed the kilos and the centimetres.

my body 02

I looked at you in your naked glory just yesterday. And I burst into tears.

Yes, I want to accept you. But I also want you to be healthy. I want you to be nourished with good food instead of junk. I want you to be toned.

I need to therefore, make a promise to you that I will do my best to feed you with healthy foods. I will attempt to have better self-control with what I put into you. I will cut down the junk, the processed sugars, the fatty foods — because after all, knowing my family health history, all I am doing is destroying you.

I need you to be strong for a lot longer in my life. So yes, I have to look after you.

Yours,

Sanch

***Linking with Mackenzie and Janine for Friday Reflections and Alicia for Open Slather***

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

SANCH_sig1

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  • Fatima b
    28 February 2016 at 8:35 pm

    It’s so sad that women go from care free babies to self loathing beings. I have never loved my body since the age of 4. I hope u find peace

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      28 February 2016 at 9:27 pm

      It’s hard isn’t it? The messages we get from society, from the media, from everyone is to be a certain way. Sadly, we never really fully accept our bodies. I hope you learn to love your body soon…you deserve that much.

  • Tima
    28 February 2016 at 9:37 pm

    Hay sorry forgot to add I just joined ww not advertising or anything dude plz trust me. But they seem pretty good. I only joined bc of a half price sale they have and only doing online. It is 50 bucks for three months. I like them bc there is nothing that is not allowed . I think nothing has fucked me up more then no carb this no sugar That no eating at this time or that time. U have ur points and u an use them. There is an online app and support group of women who are basically all the same supporting each other l. For what it’s worth I think your beautiful and don’t need to loose an ounce but that means nothing I know. Anyway thought I’d let u know . I did do that 12 wbt couldn’t cope with it. Thought it sucked to be honest . I don’t like exercise .!! And I dunnow found it boring.. The ww excites me a bit bc I dunnow u can have a life ??? Nothing is ban.. It’s only my first week and who knows if it will wear off.

  • Rajlakshmi
    28 February 2016 at 11:00 pm

    You are hard worker and I am sure you will reach your goals too. But then don’t be so hard on yourself… you are a beautiful girl with a beautiful body. Eating healthy is the biggest difficulty I too face. When time is short and I am hungery I sometimes don’t even think twice before adding extra chocolate to my hot chocolate. I loved how you ended the letter. Yes, you need to take care of the body … but with love 🙂 And seriously, you cried over that … you look perfect, ask your Mr Imperfect 🙂
    Rajlakshmi recently posted…Of Paintings & HandstandsMy Profile

  • Shailaja Vishwanath
    29 February 2016 at 1:12 am

    Sanch, you are one of the most dedicated people I know, be it in blogging or working out. I know it gets harder as you grow older, to shed those kilos. And I hate the fact that body shaming is such a prevalent thing these days. I love the raw honesty of this post and I wish you peace as you come to terms with the challenges. Sending you many hugs and yes, it’s hard to say ‘ignore the people who pull you down’ especially if it’s our own inner voice.
    Shailaja Vishwanath recently posted…Eventful and memorable- The week that wasMy Profile

  • Jaibala Rao
    29 February 2016 at 2:41 am

    I almost felt as f this was a letter I wrote to my body. I just finished promising my self yesterday that I will take care of my body better, treat it with the respect it deserves. I am sure you will make good on your promise to take care of your body better.

  • Parul
    29 February 2016 at 4:16 pm

    Sanch – I loved your honesty in this post.
    I was lean from the very beginning and have accumulated fat now. I work out but I never lose weight. Gained 5 kgs over 6 years but even with workout my body gets toned but never light in terms of the weight. My issue is my height. With a frame that’s barely 5 feet, I can’t seem to achieve my ideal weight of 50 kgs now. Byt yes, I focus on my body so that I have stamina and strength to keep me going.
    Parul recently posted…Gratitude List – February 2016My Profile

  • Sreesha
    29 February 2016 at 7:41 pm

    Sanch, I loved this post! The story could be mine, but with a few changes – never loved my body (still don’t) but mainly cos I was always mocked for being grossly underweight. By the time I learned to accept my skinny self, I got pregnant, and it’s been 4 years and I didn’t lose any of the weight I’d put on then, so now I am mocked for being chubby (people just don’t give up, do they!) Granted I need to work out and reduce the amount of junk food I eat – I learned to cook with this in mind – but I really can’t seem to find the determination.

  • Lata Sunil
    29 February 2016 at 9:00 pm

    Sanch, I dont know what to say to you. Ever since I had my son at 24, the shape has been out of my life. Try as hard as I wished, it has got difficult to get back the original shape. Somedays, I accept the fact, somedays I dont like it. Atleast, acknowledging and promising to do something about it, is a good step. I think you are perfect as you are. Just maintain the weight. Wish you luck.

  • Ericka @ A Quiet Girl's Musings...
    1 March 2016 at 4:57 am

    Just a quick message to let you know that I enjoy your blog post. Your acceptance has come full circle. You have finally arrived. Best wishes.
    Ericka @ A Quiet Girl’s Musings… recently posted…A Letter to Cheryl Tiegs – Friday Reflections (Not on Friday) Vol. 8My Profile

  • Anne@GritandGiggles
    1 March 2016 at 9:08 am

    I need to get back on the horse of looking after my body better. A few years ago I was healthier, happier, slimmer but a big move and 3yrs of bad eating and shocking exercise habits have taken there toll. Most of the time my body doesn’t bother me, I accept it for what it is but on the odd occasion I wish it was different. I know I can make it different, except for the odd part that is genetics, yet I still am lazy about it. We were discussing on the weekend how age has a lot to play in the story of our bodies, what you could eat, you suddenly can’t without having to make other serious adjustments and if you don’t it is a spiraling thing.

  • Alicia
    1 March 2016 at 11:08 am

    It is a never ending battle for me and hard work. Up and down like a yo-yo.
    I got to that point last year when I said enough was enough. Walking and eating well always works for me and although I will never again have a perfect body, at least I am happier with it.
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  • Zita
    1 March 2016 at 1:19 pm

    I imagine this must have been somewhat difficult to share. I am sure that you will get back to a point where you are happy with what you are doing but I know exactly what you are going through. As much as I loved my trip to the US and Canada last year, I came home heavier than I had ever been and while I know I wasn’t obese I just did not feel comfortable in my own skin. I worked hard and lost about 6kgs on my own but have struggled to lose that last few kilos so I have just started the Maxine’s Challenge and am looking forward to what it has to offer and seeing the outcome!! I am determined not to stray!
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  • Vishal Bheeroo
    1 March 2016 at 10:49 pm

    I’d call it a honest post and the letter is a good way to speak to self. Daring views where one challenge the self as a confidante. Quite a coincidence as I was thinking of writing a post, letter to the soul.

  • Denyse
    2 March 2016 at 7:47 am

    I hear you but I also ask you ‘what is a perfect body’. I have never been comfy in mine ….is it a female thing? However, at 66 and having lost some excess weight over 2 years…no diet, in fact no idea but my dr says I am fine…I am learning to appreciate and love what I have now. Take care of your body and your soul too. Denyse
    Denyse recently posted…Feel The Fear & Do It Anyway*. 366/62.My Profile

  • Geets
    2 March 2016 at 8:16 pm

    It really takes courage to write a post like this and being so honest with the world Sanch. I was really lean earlier until I went for my masters. I gained 10 kgs straight in 2 years! All because of junk.. chocolate shakes, thick chocolate, coffee, sandwiches, pizza and what not! I ate only these things and neglected my body. Coz I wasn’t realizing what i’d do to it eventually. And the results were saddening. I try to control my eating habits, but can’t last longer. have started the exercise again. I hope to do justice with it someday.

    And you please don’t be so hard on yourself. Coming to terms and accepting the body type takes lots of patience, but when it comes, it only gives you peace of mind.

    Cheers

  • Haddock
    11 March 2016 at 12:16 am

    Yes that is the key word – also want you to be healthy.