Life

Asking for help

I have a hard time saying three little words: ‘Please help me‘ or ‘I need help‘ are rarely a part of my vocabulary. It’s ironic given that I am in a helping profession and enjoy helping others. I love being there for family, friends and clients in times of need. But when it comes to my time of need {and trust me, I have my fair share of troubles}, I find that I am loathe to ask anyone for help.

There is some research to show that people find asking for help with shameful as it comes across as being weak or a failure, they feel afraid of being refused help and might feel indebted if someone does help.

For me personally, when I look back at my life, I think the predominant feeling is worry. More specifically, it’s the worry about being a burden on someone. I hate asking people for help because I do not want to depend on anyone and would hate to be a burden on them. In some ways I guess it is related to feeling shame but not necessarily because I am weak. I’ve been fiercely independent for most of my life and asking for help almost seems like a cop out I suppose.

When I first came to Australia to study, I hated that my parents had to pay for my living expenses. I tried to find a job as soon as I could and I was fortunate to find one within a month for a few hours a week. It helped with my groceries but not my rent. As my hours increased, I was able to afford some of my rent. In my second year, things got a lot better as I put my hand up to become a resident assistant while living on campus. This meant my rent was free for the time and in those 12 months, I saved a lot of money and was able to afford my rent, groceries and occasional luxuries till I finished uni.

However, finding a job was hard and there was a period where I wasn’t working much. Eventually, I had to suck it up and ask my parents to lend me some money. I hated it. I hated having to ask them that. Because you see, I felt I was being a burden on them. I was ashamed. I knew they wouldn’t have minded. They knew I was going to pay them back. But it still was hard to ask for help.

I haven’t changed over the years. While I don’t think asking for help is weak and I’m ok seeking help for mental health issues from a professional, I still hold back from friends and family. It’s weird. I notice it even in my relationships. I tend to prefer to go it on my own and will refuse help from Mr Imperfect with some things {not the housework…there I’ll gladly accept any help!}. Financially for instance, I haven’t minded having housemates pay rent. But if I had to ask for a loan, I doubt I could do it.

Currently, I’m looking at buying a couple of second-hand desks from a lady via Gumtree. However, to transport those desks is my responsibility and I’ve been looking on Gumtree for removalists. Mr Imperfect wondered why we couldn’t just ask a friend {and offer to pay, of course} for the use of their ute. But again I declined. I don’t want to be a burden. Business transactions are fine. Asking for help, not so much.

I’m not sure if I will ever overcome this. It’s ironic given I know some of my clients think they are a burden on me. I convince them otherwise but I guess because it’s still a working relationship, it’s different. I don’t know how far gone I’d have to be in order to be okay asking for help.

How are you when it comes to asking for help?

Do share!

***Linking with Kirsty for I must confess, Alicia for Open Slather and Write Tribe for Monday Musings***

Image Source: Pixabay

Until next time,

Cheers!!!

SANCH_sig1

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  • Ness
    9 November 2015 at 1:02 pm

    I must admit I don’t like asking friends for help either. I’m in the process of obtaining my passport and I had to ask a friend to sign it and the photos. Just doing that felt like being a huge pest and I’ve known him for 20 plus years! Even worse, I made a mistake on the forms and have to re-do them and ask him again. Yikes. Meanwhile, I don’t have a problem with seeing mental health professionals either. Weird. Hope you find some one to help with your furniture delivery.
    Ness recently posted…Marriage: 20th Anniversary Edition!My Profile

  • Ness
    9 November 2015 at 1:02 pm

    I must admit I don’t like asking friends for help either. I’m in the process of obtaining my passport and I had to ask a friend to sign it and the photos. Just doing that felt like being a huge pest and I’ve known him for 20 plus years! Even worse, I made a mistake on the forms and have to re-do them and ask him again. Yikes. Meanwhile, I don’t have a problem with seeing mental health professionals either. Weird. Hope you find some one to help with your furniture delivery.
    Ness recently posted…Marriage: 20th Anniversary Edition!My Profile

  • Natalie @ our parallel connection
    9 November 2015 at 1:07 pm

    We are very similar. I love helping others but have always struggled asking for help myself. Now that I read you research I understand a little more
    Natalie @ our parallel connection recently posted…The Perfect MumMy Profile

  • Natalie @ our parallel connection
    9 November 2015 at 1:07 pm

    We are very similar. I love helping others but have always struggled asking for help myself. Now that I read you research I understand a little more
    Natalie @ our parallel connection recently posted…The Perfect MumMy Profile

  • Raychael aka Mystery Case
    9 November 2015 at 4:29 pm

    I’m hopeless at asking for help. Possibly because we live 4000 km from family and we’ve moved so often (22 times) that our support network and long term friends are now also so far away. Usually when I do ask, I’m desperate and it never goes well.
    Raychael aka Mystery Case recently posted…Event Ready with Fresh FlowersMy Profile

  • Raychael aka Mystery Case
    9 November 2015 at 4:29 pm

    I’m hopeless at asking for help. Possibly because we live 4000 km from family and we’ve moved so often (22 times) that our support network and long term friends are now also so far away. Usually when I do ask, I’m desperate and it never goes well.
    Raychael aka Mystery Case recently posted…Event Ready with Fresh FlowersMy Profile

  • Kirsty @ My Home Truths
    9 November 2015 at 7:29 pm

    I totally get this Sanch. I’m very similar. I really don’t like being a burden on others yet I’ll do whatever I can to help others, not seeing it as a burden at all – strange, isn’t it?
    Kirsty @ My Home Truths recently posted…I Must Confess…I don’t like asking for helpMy Profile

  • Kirsty @ My Home Truths
    9 November 2015 at 7:29 pm

    I totally get this Sanch. I’m very similar. I really don’t like being a burden on others yet I’ll do whatever I can to help others, not seeing it as a burden at all – strange, isn’t it?
    Kirsty @ My Home Truths recently posted…I Must Confess…I don’t like asking for helpMy Profile

  • Janet aka Middle Aged Mama
    9 November 2015 at 8:36 pm

    Yup, I resist too – mainly for the same reason – I hate troubling other people. However, a wise soul once explained to me that when we stubbornly resist and refuse help, we are preventing others from having the joy of giving and serving! Food for thought.
    Janet aka Middle Aged Mama recently posted…Swastika JewelleryMy Profile

  • Janet aka Middle Aged Mama
    9 November 2015 at 8:36 pm

    Yup, I resist too – mainly for the same reason – I hate troubling other people. However, a wise soul once explained to me that when we stubbornly resist and refuse help, we are preventing others from having the joy of giving and serving! Food for thought.
    Janet aka Middle Aged Mama recently posted…Swastika JewelleryMy Profile

  • Alicia
    9 November 2015 at 10:19 pm

    I am much the same. I over think a heap of things, much to my detriment. But I came to a conclusion that I am scared of the rejection if I do ask. Then I really feel like I have overstepped a mark, or made someone feel uncomfortable about asking in the first place. I would ask for the help you need. If you don’t ask, you don’t get. Be brave xx
    Alicia recently posted…A lesson in backing myself and not being a worry wortMy Profile

  • Alicia
    9 November 2015 at 10:19 pm

    I am much the same. I over think a heap of things, much to my detriment. But I came to a conclusion that I am scared of the rejection if I do ask. Then I really feel like I have overstepped a mark, or made someone feel uncomfortable about asking in the first place. I would ask for the help you need. If you don’t ask, you don’t get. Be brave xx
    Alicia recently posted…A lesson in backing myself and not being a worry wortMy Profile

  • Tooba
    11 November 2015 at 1:59 am

    I feel exactly like that too. I guess we try so hard to be independent and strong and we dont feel we deserve the kind of acceptance and help and support we offer others we are related to in times of need. but I have learnt, there are people around who care if you take a step towards them 🙂
    And not think of souls like us as burdens. I hope you aren’t alone and you are able to ask for help. Every now and then, it’s okay. You don’t need to be the superman in life 24/7 😉
    but proud of you for being so wonderful!

    Do drop by my blog. Connect back if you feel connected.

  • Tooba
    11 November 2015 at 1:59 am

    I feel exactly like that too. I guess we try so hard to be independent and strong and we dont feel we deserve the kind of acceptance and help and support we offer others we are related to in times of need. but I have learnt, there are people around who care if you take a step towards them 🙂
    And not think of souls like us as burdens. I hope you aren’t alone and you are able to ask for help. Every now and then, it’s okay. You don’t need to be the superman in life 24/7 😉
    but proud of you for being so wonderful!

    Do drop by my blog. Connect back if you feel connected.

  • Paula
    12 November 2015 at 6:53 am

    I’m like you and I don’t like asking for help. It’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time, because I’m one of those people who see it as being weak. At work, I would always try to do everything myself, but that’s just not possible. I had to learn to see it as delegation to make it easier on my ego. 🙂 I also remember having to ask my Dad for a loan once, I felt like such a failure. He was glad to help me out. That instance made me better about my finances though because I never wanted to be in that position again. So, learning to ask for help is still a work in progress for me.
    Paula recently posted…Write those end of the year posts nowMy Profile

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