A better place?


photo credit: jalalspages via photopin cc

You thought I was useless
Not a worthy child to you
You said I was the devil
Why? I never had a clue
You tried to get me labelled
And refused my point of view
You seemed to really hate me, mum
I didn’t know what I could do

You left me when I was little
Is that all I meant to you?
You rang me once in a while
And usually out of the blue
You rarely sent me presents
But for your other son, there’d be two
I didn’t seem to exist for you, dad
I didn’t know what I could do

You always raised your voice at me
Nothing good could I ever do
Getting decent grades at school
Was not good enough for you
If you saw me smiling
You’d cut me down real soon
You seemed to despise me, mum
I didn’t know what I could do

You moved to another state
And started a family new
You forgot most birthdays of mine
And yet from afar, I idolised you
I dreamt of a day when we’d hang out together
Kick a footy and have a yarn or two
Still I didn’t come first for you, dad
I didn’t know what I could do

I learnt to get your attention
By being aggressive and scaring you
I learnt I could get my way
By controlling and threatening you
You called the cops and sent me off
What worse could I do?
After all, you already hated me mum
I didn’t know what I could do

I thought living with you would be better
And we’d do what blokes normally do
I tried to behave myself at your place
But you continued to ignore me too
A few months in you got sick of me
And sent me back with a threat or two
I obviously was not your child, dad
I didn’t know what I could do

It seemed like no one wanted me
It seemed like no one cared
You all just yearned to label me
As someone of whom to be scared
I did not know whom to trust
I did not know who would be true
I still loved you mum and dad
I didn’t know what I could do

I refused to seek help
I refused to let down my guard
I refused to let anyone in
Because when they knew me, they’d depart
My final moments were typical
Of the ‘delinquent’ they all knew
Now that I am dead and gone
Mum and dad, that’s the best I could do

(c) Over Cups of Coffee 2014

Note: I found out yesterday that a client of mine who I had last seen 2 years ago died about 6 months back. It was not suicide but still very tragic circumstances. Quite obviously, I cannot divulge details but it broke my heart and left me wondering if there was more that I could have done to engage this client. This client had a rotten life and hopefully, they are in a better place now and no longer suffering. They were only fourteen. 

***Linking with Grace this Friday and hoping that mums, dads and caregivers out there will tell their kids just how much they love them***

Until next time,

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  • Bec | Mumma Tells
    28 February 2014 at 6:14 am

    I found this really hard to read. Confronting. But I’m glad I did. There is much to be acknowledged about your experience, especially if I do not wan this for my own little loves. I am so very sorry this was yours.
    Bec | Mumma Tells recently posted…On Target to Make PeaceMy Profile

  • Renee
    28 February 2014 at 7:05 am

    What a powerful read! Very sad news about your client. You must see and hear alot of horrible things. You must be very strong to handle it all.
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  • Alicia
    28 February 2014 at 7:34 am

    So sad. Such a shame he didn’t have a happier life xx
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  • Mark @ fullhalfglass.com
    28 February 2014 at 8:18 am

    We do what we can with the resources that we have. As long as you can sleep at night in the knowledge that you’ve done your best you can do no more. In the end – it’s very difficult to change tragic circumstances.

    Great Post, beautifully written
    Mark @ fullhalfglass.com recently posted…Play Station? Xbox? Computer Games? – How About CHALK!My Profile

  • Kira
    28 February 2014 at 8:30 am

    This is such a raw and beautiful piece of work, even though it is not the happiest subject, but I think it is a true reflection for a lot of people unfortunately. It definitely makes me want to scoop up my kids and give them a big hug! The fact that you have provided this post to share about a past client, I have no doubt that you did everything possible for him and were a positive part his life, even for a little while 🙂
    Kira recently posted…Where Did The Time Go?My Profile

  • Kinmin
    28 February 2014 at 11:10 am

    This is so sad.. Just thinking about that kid makes my heart break.. Some days I wonder why people behave the way they do.. why couldn’t the parents see what they were doing.. Anyway, the fact that you care so much and are so pained to hear of his/her death says that you did all that you could for your client.. It must be tough for you to deal with all of this.. Hugs to you!
    Kinmin recently posted…Was she too late…?My Profile

  • Becc
    28 February 2014 at 1:51 pm

    That was some powerful read. I felt the hurt, pain and anguish. I cried.
    It breaks my heart that anyone should go through a life of such pain and torment. People are so cruel. They don’t know the power and destruction they can create.
    So sad.
    Sorry to hear of your client. It must take a toll.
    Becc recently posted…When Did My House Become My Emotional Thermostat?My Profile

  • Shailaja V
    28 February 2014 at 2:18 pm

    This was heartbreaking to read, PB 🙁 I hope your friend is in a better place now. The poetry in the post is very well rendered. Just had to say that.
    Shailaja V recently posted…Six crazy things I have done as a ParentMy Profile

  • Grace
    28 February 2014 at 2:19 pm

    So sad to hear about your client. We never truly know what’s going on in someone’s head and heart.
    Grace recently posted…FYBF – A Love AffairMy Profile

  • Mi
    28 February 2014 at 2:23 pm

    you are so eloquent with words, and poem writing! I could feel the emotion you wanted to convey, and it was felt strongly.. It was painfully beautiful.. so sad that there was a real life-resemblance.

    The departed be in peace, I pray!

  • Sam Stone (@A Life on Venus)
    28 February 2014 at 3:12 pm

    So heartbreaking. I will give my kids an extra cuddle tonight and every night.
    Sam Stone (@A Life on Venus) recently posted…#everydaypeople fourMy Profile

  • Soumya
    28 February 2014 at 4:56 pm

    Oh this breaks my heart. May she rest in peace!
    Soumya recently posted…The Dream CatcherMy Profile

  • Zita
    28 February 2014 at 4:57 pm

    There are so many times I wish I could ring parents of my students and say “hug your child! Tell them you love them! Tell the you are proud of them! Tell them they are enough!”…. Too many kids out their being emotionally hurt by the ones that are meant to love the. The most, love them unconditionally… Such a powerful poem. (And I know the feeling of wondering you are experiencing..) 🙁
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  • Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me
    28 February 2014 at 5:16 pm

    Oh hun I have goosebumps, that is such a very very sad situation, you must have a tough job at times. Some people don’t deserve children, it’s so sad x
    Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me recently posted…I’m a risk taker in everything I do, except when it comes to moneyMy Profile

  • Shilpa Garg
    28 February 2014 at 5:48 pm

    God!! This just broke my heart!! How sad and hurt that child must be… a terrible thing to happen!! And it must be so tough for you!! May the child rest in peace and is at a happy place!

  • Kylie Purtell, A Study in Contradictions
    28 February 2014 at 6:10 pm

    Beautiful yet haunting. I daresay there are quite a few poor souls who could relate to this, and that very thought breaks my heart.

    I’m sure you did everything that you could for your client and tried your very best. Knowing that doesn’t stop it hurting though. xxx
    Kylie Purtell, A Study in Contradictions recently posted…Thankful Thursday – On teething, bathing, sweating and ZumboMy Profile

  • Kajal
    1 March 2014 at 11:55 am

    This broke my hears, PB. Its really sad that the child had to lose their life like this.

    But your poem forms such a powerful read.

    Kajal recently posted…Announcement : Write Tribe Festival of Words 3My Profile

  • nibha
    1 March 2014 at 2:32 pm

    a sad yet beautiful poem. it surely moved me.
    its sad to hear about your client. I wish they Rest in peace.