I have been trying to find the words to write this post. But words are hard to come by. As you know, I have been on the dating scene a bit this year. I’ve gone on a few dates. Some have had no chemistry whatsoever. Others have been a bit better but then gone nowhere. But all this dating does my head in. Particularly when I am really interested in the guy and I can sense there is chemistry.
I don’t know what happens but my mind starts to go mental. Sure, it will let me enjoy the moments when I am with the person. But when I am not, it agonises me no end. Between every text message I can feel the anxiety build. The tightness in my chest. The butterflies in my stomach. Will he reply? Or will he just go the silent route? I’m not that crazy that I send a zillion texts in an hour. Or even a day. I can control my behaviours. But my mind? That’s a whole different kettle of fish. Then there’s the worst-case scenario. Of course he won’t be interested in me. That’s why he hasn’t replied to my message. Or my phone call. I automatically seek reassurance from friends. My friends at work have had to put up with my craziness on an almost daily basis as has my housemate.
Why does this happen to me?
I have been in one serious relationship. And funnily enough, I didn’t have these insecurities back then. In fact, it was the Ex with the insecurities. You would think that growing older and wiser would make me more secure in myself. I think though, after that relationship, I learnt some unhelpful ways to protect myself from hurt and pain. Even though I was the one to end it. Add to that my fear of being let down probably doesn’t help too much either.
I don’t like playing games. If I like someone, it’s pretty obvious and I will tell them I like them. If I’ve felt nothing, I have told them about it. But then apparently, not everyone is like that.
I know I have to put myself out there. My feelings. My emotions. Myself.
Being vulnerable scares me.
You don’t know if the person will be scared off by what you say or do. You wonder if it’s better to hold it all back to protect yourself. But at the same time, putting up that barrier does nothing to further any kind of relationship. I wish sometimes I could work harder to cease the anxious thoughts. I could take the easy way out and just stop dating. After all, there will be no pain! But then again, who said life has to be easy?
I guess it’s a case of nothing ventured, nothing gained.
In order to live my life, I have to be brave. And to be brave means I have to be vulnerable. I guess if I can remind myself that all I am doing is living according to my values and loving life, well then, there’s nothing lost.
From every date and every guy, I can take a little lesson. About myself. About relationships. About dating. And well, about life.
If things don’t work out this time around, well, I just have to pick up the pieces and move on.
And remind myself that even though it is fucking hard, I have tried. And I was brave. And that there are still some lovely memories I can keep.
Until next time,