Life lessons

It fucking hurts

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photo credit: starlights_ via photopin cc

I am hurting.

I am in a lot of emotional pain.

Something I hadn’t shared on this space was that in the past month, I had been dating someone. I had met him a couple of months ago and then a month ago, he asked me out to drinks. There was definite chemistry. In fact, it felt like nothing I have ever felt before. 4 dates in 4 weeks. Doing different things. Being spontaneous. And it was all going well.

Then a week and a bit ago, he said ‘maybe’ to a date on a week night {as he has been working overtime and I was going away that weekend}. The date did not end up happening as he had to work. I went into anxiety mode. But when I got back from my weekend away with friends, we made tentative plans to catch up last Friday. Communication between was sparse which made me wonder if he was pulling away. Some friends said it was my anxiety when I started to predict the beginning of the end. On Friday at lunch, I got a message saying he was working late again and would I be free on the weekend. I told him I was free Sat evening and on Sun my plans were mainly to go to the beach. Giving him the option to choose whichever. He said Sun was fine and asked what time he should pick me up.

That allayed my anxiety a bit. Because after all, why would he ask these if he wasn’t still interested? Sunday morning when I woke up at 5, I saw he’d sent a text in the middle of the night. Asking to reschedule to Sunday evening. This from someone who stuck to plans and was early on our previous 4 dates. In the evening, I got a text saying he probably could only get to my place by 8 and did I still want to meet up or do something next week. I said I was open to seeing him {because by now I wanted to talk about mixed messages!} and would leave the decision to him but if he decided not to come, could he please call me when he got home as it was hard to have conversations via text.

I went for a walk down the beach with a friend. Talked about my fears and concerns. Certain that he wasn’t going to show up that night. Just when she and I were about to leave, I received a call from him. Explaining why he had had to reschedule. But also saying he had been doing a lot of thinking and was not ready for a relationship and wouldn’t be for a while. Said the usual stuff implying it’s not me but it’s him. I told him honestly that I really liked him and it sucks but that I felt I was getting mixed messages. Explored whether it was something I said or did and he denied it all saying I am a really nice person and that I was probably better off without him. He also thought I was dealing with this really well.

You know what?

I am not dealing with it well.

I am not coping.

Because it still does not explain things.Β 

Because I’m still tempted to ask him why. Why when there seemed to be chemistry and a connection that things suddenly changed? Why when you were able to spend almost an entire day with someone and enjoy their company that things suddenly changed?

There is a part of me that wishes we had had that conversation face-to-face. But then again, when there was a great connection and great chemistry, it was all face-to-face. And that obviously meant nothing. I am trying to tell myself that maybe he is indecisive. Maybe he does not know what he wants. At the same time, I’m glad he was honest with me rather than stringing me along.

I know I will eventually cope. I have been in a long-term relationship and survived when it ended. This one was just a month. But like I said, there was a connection. And I really liked him.

It sucks.

And for now, it fucking hurts.

Until next time,

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  • Trish
    9 December 2013 at 9:00 am

    First off,Hugs…
    When there is a connection..doesn’t matter if its a day or week or month or years..it hurts..
    I am glad you chose to write about it..hugs again..
    Trish recently posted…Homemade Pizza from scratchMy Profile

    • Psych Babbler
      9 December 2013 at 9:06 am

      Thanks lovely…I am glad I wrote about it. Feels a bit cathartic putting it out there. And well, it’s in line with my whole new epiphany on living an authentic life and being vulnerable…what could be more vulnerable than this?! :S
      Thanks again!

  • Trish
    9 December 2013 at 9:00 am

    First off,Hugs…
    When there is a connection..doesn’t matter if its a day or week or month or years..it hurts..
    I am glad you chose to write about it..hugs again..
    Trish recently posted…Homemade Pizza from scratchMy Profile

    • Psych Babbler
      9 December 2013 at 9:06 am

      Thanks lovely…I am glad I wrote about it. Feels a bit cathartic putting it out there. And well, it’s in line with my whole new epiphany on living an authentic life and being vulnerable…what could be more vulnerable than this?! :S
      Thanks again!

  • Lynnette
    9 December 2013 at 9:05 am

    πŸ™ I’ve been there, more than once. And yeah, it fucking hurts. And sometimes no matter how many questions you ask, it still does not make sense. Catch up soon.
    Lynnette recently posted…Unconventional Career ChoicesMy Profile

    • Psych Babbler
      9 December 2013 at 9:29 am

      Yeah I guess there never really is an answer…even if he were to give me answers, I reckon the whys would still persist…sigh. Sucks. But looking forward to us catching up soon! xo

  • Lynnette
    9 December 2013 at 9:05 am

    πŸ™ I’ve been there, more than once. And yeah, it fucking hurts. And sometimes no matter how many questions you ask, it still does not make sense. Catch up soon.
    Lynnette recently posted…Unconventional Career ChoicesMy Profile

    • Psych Babbler
      9 December 2013 at 9:29 am

      Yeah I guess there never really is an answer…even if he were to give me answers, I reckon the whys would still persist…sigh. Sucks. But looking forward to us catching up soon! xo

  • Starry
    9 December 2013 at 12:41 pm

    Oh dear….hugs. and some more hugs. Those whys are real torture…I sometimes hope that when we kick the bucket and drift up there to heaven or whatever, that we’ll each be presented with a long list of unanswered whys…

    We just never know sometimes what’s going on with the other person. πŸ™

    And yeah, it’s awful when we feel that attraction and it’s just one-way. Or maybe it isn’t one way and the other person doesn’t want to deal with it right now.
    Starry recently posted…Smooth heelsMy Profile

    • Psych Babbler
      9 December 2013 at 4:25 pm

      Thanks Starry! The thing is, I’m not sure if the attraction was just one way…unless he was a really good actor for a whole month! I am starting to think he is indecisive about what he wants or maybe freaked out about his feelings or mine and thought he should end it now.

  • Starry
    9 December 2013 at 12:41 pm

    Oh dear….hugs. and some more hugs. Those whys are real torture…I sometimes hope that when we kick the bucket and drift up there to heaven or whatever, that we’ll each be presented with a long list of unanswered whys…

    We just never know sometimes what’s going on with the other person. πŸ™

    And yeah, it’s awful when we feel that attraction and it’s just one-way. Or maybe it isn’t one way and the other person doesn’t want to deal with it right now.
    Starry recently posted…Smooth heelsMy Profile

    • Psych Babbler
      9 December 2013 at 4:25 pm

      Thanks Starry! The thing is, I’m not sure if the attraction was just one way…unless he was a really good actor for a whole month! I am starting to think he is indecisive about what he wants or maybe freaked out about his feelings or mine and thought he should end it now.

  • Smita
    9 December 2013 at 3:32 pm

    *tigggggggggght hug*
    Smita recently posted…Lately I have Realised that…My Profile

  • Smita
    9 December 2013 at 3:32 pm

    *tigggggggggght hug*
    Smita recently posted…Lately I have Realised that…My Profile

  • R's Mom
    9 December 2013 at 4:02 pm

    Hugs hugs hugs hugs!
    R’s Mom recently posted…Meeting HerMy Profile

  • R's Mom
    9 December 2013 at 4:02 pm

    Hugs hugs hugs hugs!
    R’s Mom recently posted…Meeting HerMy Profile

  • Maddie
    9 December 2013 at 6:08 pm

    *many more hugs*

  • Maddie
    9 December 2013 at 6:08 pm

    *many more hugs*

  • missrbit
    9 December 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Big hugs PB!

  • missrbit
    9 December 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Big hugs PB!

  • Zita
    10 December 2013 at 5:42 am

    Once again I can totally sympathise as a similar situation happened to me last year. What frustrated me about my situation, which sounds similar to yours, was that HE persued me, HE was the one who phoned all the time, HE was the one that invited me to stay with him and the HE was the one who all of a sudden wasn’t ready for a relationship… I felt so hurt and used and disappointed. I, like you, asked why and wanted a straight answer but again got the “it’s not you, it’s me..You’re wonderful…you’ll find someone who deserves you…I really hope we can still be friends.. blah blah blah….” Sometimes I think that hurts more because then I’m am left thinking ‘If I’m so wonderful, why didn’t this work, when it felt so right’…
    Hope it stops hurting soon….x
    Zita recently posted…to run!My Profile

  • Zita
    10 December 2013 at 5:42 am

    Once again I can totally sympathise as a similar situation happened to me last year. What frustrated me about my situation, which sounds similar to yours, was that HE persued me, HE was the one who phoned all the time, HE was the one that invited me to stay with him and the HE was the one who all of a sudden wasn’t ready for a relationship… I felt so hurt and used and disappointed. I, like you, asked why and wanted a straight answer but again got the “it’s not you, it’s me..You’re wonderful…you’ll find someone who deserves you…I really hope we can still be friends.. blah blah blah….” Sometimes I think that hurts more because then I’m am left thinking ‘If I’m so wonderful, why didn’t this work, when it felt so right’…
    Hope it stops hurting soon….x
    Zita recently posted…to run!My Profile

  • Avada Kedavra
    10 December 2013 at 6:23 am

    Hugs PB. Can imagine how hurtful that would have been.
    Avada Kedavra recently posted…How I killed Pluto… and Dragons of Eden – Book ReviewMy Profile

  • Avada Kedavra
    10 December 2013 at 6:23 am

    Hugs PB. Can imagine how hurtful that would have been.
    Avada Kedavra recently posted…How I killed Pluto… and Dragons of Eden – Book ReviewMy Profile

  • LiFi
    10 December 2013 at 9:21 am

    Hugs, it hurts. I can feel your pain. I am way past those days but those memories stays forever. I had written about one such incident here. http://weourlife.wordpress.com/2013/10/10/a-nostalgic-moment-from-the-past/

    Hugs to you!!
    LiFi recently posted…Dear SantaMy Profile

  • LiFi
    10 December 2013 at 9:21 am

    Hugs, it hurts. I can feel your pain. I am way past those days but those memories stays forever. I had written about one such incident here. http://weourlife.wordpress.com/2013/10/10/a-nostalgic-moment-from-the-past/

    Hugs to you!!
    LiFi recently posted…Dear SantaMy Profile

  • Tuhina Mahan
    11 December 2013 at 7:32 am

    Ouch! Sorry to hear that.

    Sorry, just catching up on my blog-reading and read this now. Hope you feel better soon. As you said, you will cope although its tough now.

    I have tried quite few new things whenever I was in such situations..from martial arts to going for a long car ride and ending up in totally different city with just my credit card.

    Looking back, all those seem great adventures and don’t even remember the pain that caused them. hopefully you will be also soon in that place…
    Tuhina Mahan recently posted…Out with DadMy Profile

  • Tuhina Mahan
    11 December 2013 at 7:32 am

    Ouch! Sorry to hear that.

    Sorry, just catching up on my blog-reading and read this now. Hope you feel better soon. As you said, you will cope although its tough now.

    I have tried quite few new things whenever I was in such situations..from martial arts to going for a long car ride and ending up in totally different city with just my credit card.

    Looking back, all those seem great adventures and don’t even remember the pain that caused them. hopefully you will be also soon in that place…
    Tuhina Mahan recently posted…Out with DadMy Profile

  • Nish
    11 December 2013 at 11:52 pm

    ugh…hate that it’s not you, it’s me stuff…it’s nuts as it keeps you hanging and wondering for a much longer time.

    So sorry, this one didn’t work out for you πŸ™
    Nish recently posted…Day Trip to NapaMy Profile

  • Nish
    11 December 2013 at 11:52 pm

    ugh…hate that it’s not you, it’s me stuff…it’s nuts as it keeps you hanging and wondering for a much longer time.

    So sorry, this one didn’t work out for you πŸ™
    Nish recently posted…Day Trip to NapaMy Profile

  • Viji Venu
    12 December 2013 at 1:26 am

    Really sad to hear this. I know it hurts much and is no easy to forget. On the otherside, feeling good that you did not end up with a person who is not stable and sensible. If this hit you later, would have been more painful.

    I am sure you will come out of it. It is okay to be sad and weak for a while. Hugs!!!!
    Viji Venu recently posted…A Lot Simpler……My Profile

  • Viji Venu
    12 December 2013 at 1:26 am

    Really sad to hear this. I know it hurts much and is no easy to forget. On the otherside, feeling good that you did not end up with a person who is not stable and sensible. If this hit you later, would have been more painful.

    I am sure you will come out of it. It is okay to be sad and weak for a while. Hugs!!!!
    Viji Venu recently posted…A Lot Simpler……My Profile

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  • Kinmin
    5 February 2014 at 1:39 pm

    Honestly, I think it’s really hard to start dating when you’ve never done it before!
    I have been in 4 relationships in the last 10 years but it’s always been with guys I knew and who I was friends with. Having been with my boyfriend for the last 7 years in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be working out, one of the reasons I’m unable to quit is because I’m scared that how and where will I find someone else now! And the whole dating scenario scares me!
    Kinmin recently posted…On turning 30!My Profile

    • Psych Babbler
      5 February 2014 at 7:35 pm

      Kinmin, I’ve been going on quite a few dates in the last year. It’s been an interesting experience. Some scary. Some ok. My anxiety does get the better of me especially when I really like the guy. But I figure it’s all going to be a learning experience.I have only been in one long-term relationship. All the dates I went on last year were with new people — met a couple online and the others through my bushwalking groups. I hope you don’t mind but I am going to email you a bit more re the rest of your comment…

  • Kinmin
    5 February 2014 at 1:39 pm

    Honestly, I think it’s really hard to start dating when you’ve never done it before!
    I have been in 4 relationships in the last 10 years but it’s always been with guys I knew and who I was friends with. Having been with my boyfriend for the last 7 years in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be working out, one of the reasons I’m unable to quit is because I’m scared that how and where will I find someone else now! And the whole dating scenario scares me!
    Kinmin recently posted…On turning 30!My Profile

    • Psych Babbler
      5 February 2014 at 7:35 pm

      Kinmin, I’ve been going on quite a few dates in the last year. It’s been an interesting experience. Some scary. Some ok. My anxiety does get the better of me especially when I really like the guy. But I figure it’s all going to be a learning experience.I have only been in one long-term relationship. All the dates I went on last year were with new people — met a couple online and the others through my bushwalking groups. I hope you don’t mind but I am going to email you a bit more re the rest of your comment…

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  • Jay
    5 February 2015 at 2:28 am

    I just stumbled upon this post. I am really tempted to ask.. How did you cope after all? I am in a similar situation and it’s just that I am not able to put the puzzle together. Why when everything was so good about you at one point suddenly becomes i have been thinking about someone for some time now … I am amazed at someone’s insincerity.. I am actually shocked!!!

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      5 February 2015 at 11:01 am

      Welcome here Jay. Thanks for reading and I’m sorry you are in a similar situation. It really sucks, doesn’t it? What did I do? Well, I let myself feel like shit for a day or two. I cried a bit during the week. But I also surrounded myself with my friends, did nice things like get my ears pierced, went on hikes and parties. It took a couple of months before I completely let go. In due time, it will be ok. The not knowing, the questions…all of it will eventually fade. As cliche as it sounds, love yourself and do things you love with people you love. You will eventually heal the pain. Take care x

  • Jay
    5 February 2015 at 2:28 am

    I just stumbled upon this post. I am really tempted to ask.. How did you cope after all? I am in a similar situation and it’s just that I am not able to put the puzzle together. Why when everything was so good about you at one point suddenly becomes i have been thinking about someone for some time now … I am amazed at someone’s insincerity.. I am actually shocked!!!

    • Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
      5 February 2015 at 11:01 am

      Welcome here Jay. Thanks for reading and I’m sorry you are in a similar situation. It really sucks, doesn’t it? What did I do? Well, I let myself feel like shit for a day or two. I cried a bit during the week. But I also surrounded myself with my friends, did nice things like get my ears pierced, went on hikes and parties. It took a couple of months before I completely let go. In due time, it will be ok. The not knowing, the questions…all of it will eventually fade. As cliche as it sounds, love yourself and do things you love with people you love. You will eventually heal the pain. Take care x

  • Amarnath Mishra
    3 April 2015 at 5:28 am

    It must by mere coincidence that I got into this bloggers’ forum today and stumbled across such a relate-able blog in the first hour of my surfing. I had 2 back-2-back heart breaking incidents in last 6 months and the 2nd one just happened a fortnight back. You would be surprised, but this lady was so nice to me, until one fine day when without a signal or warning she just decided that we can’t be anything more than friends (and by friend, she just meant she doesn’t want me any more in her life). It hurts to the core of my living sense that I almost wanted to call it off with my life; thanks to my conscience that I always am against such an act. I have captured a part of my recovery in my blog – http://www.commentaryofheart.blogspot.com

    I just want to thank you to make me realize that I am not alone and there are so many good and talented people who have also been a victim of these sweet-nothng Chemistries (that is so frigging illusive) at some point in their lives.

  • Amarnath Mishra
    3 April 2015 at 5:28 am

    It must by mere coincidence that I got into this bloggers’ forum today and stumbled across such a relate-able blog in the first hour of my surfing. I had 2 back-2-back heart breaking incidents in last 6 months and the 2nd one just happened a fortnight back. You would be surprised, but this lady was so nice to me, until one fine day when without a signal or warning she just decided that we can’t be anything more than friends (and by friend, she just meant she doesn’t want me any more in her life). It hurts to the core of my living sense that I almost wanted to call it off with my life; thanks to my conscience that I always am against such an act. I have captured a part of my recovery in my blog – http://www.commentaryofheart.blogspot.com

    I just want to thank you to make me realize that I am not alone and there are so many good and talented people who have also been a victim of these sweet-nothng Chemistries (that is so frigging illusive) at some point in their lives.

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