Defective

photo credit: ♥KatB Photography♥ via photopin cc

 

She looked in the mirror
And all she could see
Was a person so hideous
And of love, completely unworthy

She was inherently bad
That much she knew
Because why else would people leave
If that weren’t true?

She tried to be perfect
In every way that she could
An overachiever at school
And an all-rounder too

She starved herself to perfection
And exercised for hours on end
Hoping that someone, somewhere
Would be there to love and depend

She deserved to be punished
For this she hurt herself
Cutting jagged scars into her flesh
And watching her own blood shed

As a child her feelings were dismissed
Especially sadness, anger and worry
An underlying message to be perfect
And cover it up with positivity

Her family put others first
Rarely did they notice her scars
But she also did a pretty good job
In hiding behind a smiling mask

The mask hid the pain in her heart
It hid the loathing she felt for herself
But at night when alone the demons came back
Telling her she’d be better off dead

She felt guilty for feeling this way
And ashamed at all that she did
But what was sometimes worse for her
Was being unsuccessful in her suicide bids

She needed someone to trust her
Someone to validate her emotions
Someone who wouldn’t judge her
Someone to help her feel worthy as a person

The process would be long
There was no easy fix
To try and change years of thinking
Of herself as completely defective

But others had come and gone
And seen the light at the end
Hope shone in the form of a beacon
Getting help for her mental health

Author’s note: Today is World Mental Health Day. I was inspired to write this based on a quarter of my current case load. My heart breaks for these clients of mine as I try to help them realise they are worthy individuals and not defective as they have learnt over the years. They are all beautiful, intelligent and amazing girls but for years have been told otherwise. The only way they have learnt to cope is to avoid their emotions and to punish themselves. I need to be careful though. Because I need to look after my own mental health in order to be able to help them. It’s been a hard week dealing with them. But today, I make the promise that I will leave work at work. Mentally I mean. Yes, it is hard to not think of them once I’ve left the building. But I have to. Because sometimes, caring too much can be unhelpful too. 

Until next time,

Cheers!!!