I wish I knew

Image Source: Here

Image Source: Here


I wish I knew why
I feel so empty inside
Like all the happiness is gone
And I feel like I’m all alone
Unloved and uncared;
While the rest of the world
Has no moment to spare

I wish I knew why
The tears well up in my eyes
Like sadness is overtaking me
And I feel like I’m crumbling
Numb and choking;
While the people around
Continue laughing and joking

I wish I knew why
The fears engulf my life
Like the future has no hope for me
And all that I do will amount to nothing
Isolated and abandoned;
As people in my life
Finally let me down and leave

I wish I knew why
That despite all that I have
There’s only darkness that I can see
No rainbow through the grey clouds in life
Cynical and pessimistic;
And no one will ever love
Someone like me

I wish I knew how
To rid myself of these fears and doubts
And the sadness that pervades through me
To not feel like I’m all alone
Confused and bleak;
As if I cannot speak
Of those deepest darkest fears to those around me

I wish I knew how
To make myself feel better
But no matter what I seem to try
It only works for a little while
As a mask for others to see
Then I’m by myself again
And all the fears and tears they reappear

Until next time,

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  • Fiona
    17 June 2013 at 3:01 pm

    yes, this

    Fiona recently posted…Knowing your limitsMy Profile

  • fatimabenel@gmail.com
    17 June 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Since you don’t reply not sure why i persist to write. It sounds like depression and you need to talk to someone. No one is immune and u bave good reason to feel down yoir family isn’t here your job is tuff u had some bad experiences. Get help. U deserve a happy life

    • Psych Babbler
      17 June 2013 at 8:28 pm

      Sorry Fatima, I’ve been slack replying to comments in general. I appreciate your comments and yes I think things have finally gotten to me. I rang a psychologist today and will be seeing them soon. Thanks again…

  • Richa
    17 June 2013 at 7:12 pm

    Hang in there. Just know that this too shall pass. It’s just part of life. Growing up. Moving on.
    It happens. When you’re working on moving past the old – the hurt, the limitiations, the restrictions – and working on building the new; for which you have no compass, no guide. A temporary time of “lost”, till you find yourself again, till you can just give yourself the persmission to be, without analysing, explaining, wanting. Till the “it only works for a while” phases can expand to be more of your everydays.

    • Psych Babbler
      17 June 2013 at 8:29 pm

      Thanks Richa…I know life is full of ups and downs and generally I come out on the other side. This time I’m getting help. I’m still functioning but feel like I’m hanging by a thread…

  • Jacana
    17 June 2013 at 8:25 pm

    Powerful poem

  • Crunch
    17 June 2013 at 11:05 pm

    Hugssss. We’ve all been here on and off at some point. And it’s funny how each time it seems harder than the previous to bounce back. Shouldn’t this get easier with time and experience!?! I hear ya! I hope things settle in fast. I’ve been going through a very different version of what you have here and I came across this last week. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/200910/when-everything-seems-be-going-wrong

    Find your practice .. those were the words I took away with me and while I haven’t found mine yet, it at least made me feel a bit better that I could break it down to something as simple as this guy has written. Good luck!
    Crunch recently posted…Letting Go … of that C wordMy Profile

    • Psych Babbler
      18 June 2013 at 6:40 am

      Thanks for the hugs and the lunk Crunch. Will read it. I agree that it seems to be getting harder and harder to bounce back. Maybe the mind has had enough?? But anyway, I’m hoping speaking to a psych will help.

  • Avada Kedavra
    18 June 2013 at 6:18 am

    I think you are really stressed out PB.. take rest and talk to loved ones.. maybe visiting your family in India might help?
    Avada Kedavra recently posted…Some flowersMy Profile

    • Psych Babbler
      18 June 2013 at 6:42 am

      Yeah I’m massively stressed but hoping my one week holiday up the coast in 3 weeks will help in addition to seeking therapy. Oh and visiting family in India stresses me out more. I love my parents but they don’t get it. I’ve had these feelings before when I was younger too and living at home…

  • Fatima Benel
    19 June 2013 at 7:36 am

    Hay just realised you replied. im sorry if i sounded harsh. i think your an awesome person man! Your kick ass , doing it all your on yoru own. Do you know how hard that is?

    I dont think you even realise how much you have achieved. I guess i just wanted to know that you knew i thought that ? ie a reply lol

    my fav post of yorus was writing about skin colour and what it meant for you, i love that polictical stuff coming from an arabic background i have my own shit around culture colour religion and all the drama and pscyhological trauma that comes with it.

    Dont give up on yourself..

    some of the most brilliant minds in the world have felt what you do its not a reflection of your worth or value or capacity or your potential to have a brilliant life.

    • Psych Babbler
      20 June 2013 at 9:48 pm

      Haha…now you have me all embarrassed. But thank you! For all of it.

      • fatimabenel@gmail.com
        29 June 2013 at 10:20 pm


        U now whats amazing people care about u and have nevrr met u. What does that say. X ps sorry late reply I accidentally trashed this one and had to go thru my email to find it bc I can’t figure out how to find your old blogs off the website. ??? I am only used to receiving emails x peace out homie hopes it all works out.

        • Psych Babbler
          9 July 2013 at 6:56 am

          It is a pretty humbling experience to see people caring. In terms of older posts on the blog, I’m sure there is a link at the bottom to older posts. I’ll check it out and fix it if that isn’t the case…thanks for the comment.

  • Vivienne
    21 June 2013 at 8:18 am

    The poem is beautiful and heart wrenching. I feel you. We’ve all been there. It’s good to hear you’re going to get therapy. I hope these dark clouds pass soon!
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  • LiFi
    24 June 2013 at 2:12 pm

    I am reading your post backwards and I am glad you did the right step taking an appointment , you sound stressed and depressed, you need to relax. Hugs take care.
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